Over the past weeks I have had lots of things to think of, worry over, and get done.  I found some moments so overwhelming that I wanted to just let it all go and run away.  Then I was challenged once again to consider presence.  How in these overwhelming moments was I going to be present, especially when my initial response was to be absent?  As I spent some time thinking over being present to my life as it was, not as I wanted it to be, I realized that these were opportunities to "work" my patience. 

I was once waiting for a flight to board, delayed by weather and a few transfers the flight was boarding later than intended.  Most people were getting kind of agitated and this little girl, probably 4 years old was enjoying her happy meal.  She started talking to me and soon heard a woman behind us raising her voice to the airline personnel about the delay.  The little girl looked back at me and said, "My teacher always tells me I just got to work my patience!"  I think that may have begun to help me conceive of patience as an active process and choice in the way I live and have my being.  Patience is one of those virtues that I have thought of over the years as an unattainable reality for me...especially with myself.  While other virtues seemed to be something I could develop over time, patience was more of an idea than a practice so it always seemed to be just out of reach.  As I thought more about "working" my patience i realized that one of the reasons it had seemed so out of reach was that it seemed so passive but this invited me to consider being actively patient. 

So over the last week i have been working on the practice of patience.  I found that I tend to swing to the extremes.  I either worry and plan for things that are out of my control in a feeble effort to regain the semblance of control or I just let go of everything as if things don't matter.  So I have been trying to find some place in the middle...a place where I can consider the options that are before me but not seek to determine the future in a vacuum.  I have revisited the practice of taking a few deep breaths before I respond and react to conversations, ideas, or stress.  I have chosen to claim the mantra "I don't know" and remind myself that I don't need to know right now.  In the more "successful" moments of practicing patience I have found comfort in the waiting and greater compassion for my circumstances. 

It has been easy to blame other people in my life for the lack of answers that come to me when and where I want them.  But as I have taken on the responsibility of practicing patience with myself so that I can be more fully present to God and to the people in my life I haven't needed to blame anyone for the wait.  I have come to appreciate the space that is made when decisions aren't sought to alleviate stress but result from an accumulation of moments, fully lived.  While I still hope for some of the answers that so overwhelm me at times, I also have found a place to hold those possibilities with grace and a lot more patience for myself and the results that are coming.  "Working" my patience takes practice and while I hope to learn more as I go, i am grateful for these present moments of peace and hope for all that the future holds.    

Posted by Rebecca